As I lay me down to sleep…

Tonight it feels I have hit an all time low. You know that feeling where your throat closes up, it feels dry like sandpaper and almost hurts to breathe. Every thought brings those ever growing tears that little bit closer to spilling over the brim. That hit me today; sitting on the floor doing puzzles with my son, standing at the kitchen sink doing the washing up, running around the house like a headless chickens just trying to keep the memories at bay and then all of a sudden, sat at the end of the sofa, just as my other half left the room to run to the bathroom I burst. I burst like a dam breaking open and I sobbed and I sobbed until my eyes stung and my shoulders hurt; I couldn’t even get the words out to explain to my poor other half what was wrong when he came back in the room, completely baffled at the utter state of me. 

It hit me all at once just how much I miss my baby; I miss my little jellybean, my little what if.

 I have spent the last week obsessing over just how late my period was becoming and wishing and hoping that it wouldn’t arrive so that I could maybe just maybe see those two pink lines and thinking that that would magically make it all okay and then came the period and the hormones and the memories. It occurred to me that although I know I would be over the moon if my period didn’t come and I did get those to see those two pink lines it wouldn’t change the fact that my baby died and I didn’t want it too. No future babies will change that. I will love them but they won’t take his place, I will be happy but I will still mourn, I will cry happy tears but I will still cry for him. I miss my baby and I wish I didn’t have to.

24 hours & counting…

I am 24 whole hours late for my period, 1 whole day. I’m trying really hard not to think too much into it and working really hard on my poker face to try and stop the other half noticing and getting his hopes up too. Though it’ll only be a day at most before he clicks. Please god, just be nice this time. 

It’s just one of those days…

I know that I shouldn’t do it as it’ll bring me down for the whole day but I just cannot help it, I can’t help sitting and sifting through photos of our pregnancy announcement, all  of the happy happy comments from people that really truly cared so much that we were getting what we so desperately wanted, all of the bump photos, the very limited scan photos, your first clothes. I never got to hold you, see your face, I never got to smell you yet the smell of your unworn clothes knocks the wind right out of me. Today is a hard day and I’m not sure why, maybe it’s because I’m finally ovulating and it feels like I’ve finally ended up right back at the beginning, it should make me happy that I can begin the journey again, maybe make a new brother or sister for you but instead it’s made me feel the farthest from you. 

Starting again means that we have the potential for the happy family that we are desperately dreaming of but it also feels like it draws a line under the past few months. It feels like I have an unlimited amount of negative pregnancy tests ahead of me; an unlimited amount of disappointment. All followed by what? A positive test that takes me into this mess all over again…will I continue to just lose babies? At best it’ll allow me a successful pregnancy full of worry and panic and anxiety that my body will fail me and I will fail him and our unborn…again. 

My brain is mush today and my heart is heavy and all I want is to have the 21 week bump that I should have. 

Bumpety bump

All I see is bumps and babies and birth announcements and gender reveals and more bumps and more babies and all I really want to do is hide under a blanket and scream.

I am jealous and empty and I feel alone and like a complete and utter failure.